My friend James works really hard. On weekends, most times, he just wants to relax and unwind and prepare for the week ahead. His wife Sherry, on the other hand is a very active person who likes to be on the go during week ends.

One day Sherry said to James, “I think our marriage is rather boring. All you do on weekends is just sit there and watch T.V and that’s it. We seldom go out to dinner. I want our marriage to be more exciting.”

Sure enough, James got defensive. He told her to do what ever she wants to make her life more exciting, but just leave him alone. Stop bothering him.

Sherry thought to herself, ‘I’m only trying to make our marriage livelier; so why is he being so defensive.’

She defended her statements, and so did he. It turned into a big argument.

In frustration, Sherry said, “I don’t know why you are getting so upset. All I wanted was for us to do something different at least once a month. Maybe go to the movies, or on nature walks, to a museum or a show…..Just do something different!”

James responded, “So why don’t you just say that. I have no problems with that.”

Sherry was totally surprised and wondered why he had put up such a fight when she approached him initially.

The answer is this: Its all in the approach. In the beginning, Sherry thought that she was setting the stage and wanted him to see that she was unhappy. But instead, she was actually condemning him for being truly ‘comfortable in his space.’ She was also telling James that he was disappointing her. On the other hand, when she asked for what she wanted with out complaining, she got it.

Sherry learned to be clear and concise about her desires, be action oriented with her approach and to be cognizant of her timing. If her spouse is in a bad mood, or had a bad day, she would not approach him about making changes.

Sherry told me that she learned about these strategies from reading ‘The 5 stages of a marriage.’ You can also read about these stages by logging on to: