UNITED STATES, Jan 14 — Very few people actually get a divorce because of adultery. Of course it's difficult to track the statistics since the advent of uncontested divorce. Anyone involved in the divorce system will tell you that adultery is something most people get beyond. Don't give up! But don't imagine things will work out on their own
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ery few people actually get a divorce because of adultery. Of course it's difficult to track the statistics since the advent of uncontested divorce. Anyone involved in the divorce system will tell you that adultery is something most people get beyond. I need to clarify something. It is very different when a man cheats on his wife, than when a wife cheats on her husband. Surprisingly to some, it is not because of the man's attitude towards women who cheat. Rather it is because when a woman cheats on her husband it is generally an affair of the heart. The woman had left her husband, in spirit, long before she cheated. It is not that a man wouldn't forgive his wife in order to win her back; in most cases he would, if given the chance. It's just that most women won't go back because they have already attached themselves to someone else.
I had a man call me once and beg me to see he and his wife. He was begging because his wife had been in an affair for nine months and he had just found out. He was desperate to win her back in spite of his intense pain and humiliation. First I wouldn't do it because she was not willing to call me. Obviously she had no desire to be back with him, and thought she and her children would do just as well with the new man she found. I caved in and placed a call to her when her husband told me she would take my call, and listen. Interestingly they were not the only couple I had seen where the wife had an affair for nine months before the husband found out. I'm sure there's nothing statistical about the nine months, but it is interesting.
When I called her she seemed to be a very reasonable person who had no kind words to say about her husband, but was willing to meet anyway. My whole thing was trying to un-complicate a family's life. There is no question in my mind whatsoever that the children would do much better if the mom and dad could work through their problems, learn what it took to have a good marriage, and get on with their lives.
When I met with them together it was very clear to me that I could succeed. They were pretty normal people who just didn't know how to be married. I knew what she didn't know; the mistakes she was making in her current marriage would be repeated. What convinced her to give it another try was the realization of what it would do to her children if she moved on… Unfortunately I made a huge mistake, a mistake I would never repeat. I advised her to seek the help of one of the most successful child psychologists in her city. When she met with him he told her she should go ahead and leave her husband to start her new life with the man she was having an affair with.
Please understand something. By the time somebody strays, and in no way do I condone having an affair, it is because that person is feeling tortured. The right thing to do is start behaving in a way to get your spouse back. The cheating spouse knows what they are doing is wrong and have already rationalized themselves out of the reach of their own guilt. They are hurting. Condemning them or demeaning them will not win them back and resuscitate your family. Your greatest effort should neither be put into condemning them nor blaming yourself, but should be put into learning how to live and behave properly in a marriage.
I promise you, an adulterous spouse is a temporary condition that will appear only as a bump in the road when:
You put your attention on creating the best marriage on earth. Don't be discouraged. Don't give up! But don't imagine things will work out on their own.
The above will work, but you must make the changes that make the difference.
Communicate directly with Paul Friedman, the author of this article. Ask questions, send suggestions, comments, engage in conversation, or perhaps you would like to submit a project.
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